As of late I have had a lot of troubles finding things to write about. We all hit that writer’s block from time to time, yet knowing me you would think I would never shut up! But it’s true. I’ve shut up for the time being. I was burnt out. I was beginning to feel fake. I was beginning to feel mundane and like life had just took its toll and I was left exhausted! Truthfully, I was exhausted.
Over the course of three years I have been left with a multitude of things to think about, things to deal with, things that were left on my plate as though I had no choice in the matter. I had so much happen in that time that I can honestly say, now, that I’m thankful I lost my job. I’m thankful I have had time to just sit at home and sulk here and there. I’m thankful I had time to be able to work on my family. I’m so damn thankful I have had time to sit and think about where my life should be going considering my goals, considering all the hardships I still go through. Whether or not you believe in God, or the Universe, I’ll tell you what, I am so thankful I have been forced to just sit down and be still. If you know me, you know just how hard that is for me to do.
So here it is, here’s what I’ve learned from sitting still. First and foremost, I have learned to set boundaries. When I was busy with work and kids and home life, I was honestly too distracted and had too much to worry about to be able to sit down and think about how poorly I allow people to treat me. For too long I gave up and gave in to people, letting them walk all over me, letting them convince me that I simply don’t know what I’m doing in life and I should do it their way, or that they are allowed to treat me like a bag of dirt because I don’t have time to worry about how it affects myself and my family. I put a stop to that. I made boundaries. I stopped allowing people to treat me unfairly and poorly. I won’t lie, it caused a bit of an uproar with some of them. For a short time I felt like I was just creating more drama in my life. But truth is I couldn’t stand the way I was being treated. I couldn’t stand that I was expected to make them happy and not have that reciprocated. I put a stop to that by making myself happy. For example, I had a week off this past week from my three older children. They went to bible school in my hometown with my parents while my husband took the rest of the week off and we would have only one child and loads of free time. He started planning things for us to do like camping. At first, I was like, “ok, if you must,” but then I really thought about what I wanted. It was one of the hottest weeks of the year. Camping is a chore and isn’t really fun without my kiddos. Our air conditioning in the camper was destroyed by one of our severe thunderstorms that snowed hail for 30 minutes. Did I really want to go camping? Heck no! So I politely told him, “I’m sorry babe, but this is my week off that I get once a year, I hate to sound selfish but we always do what you want to do and for once I’d like to just play it by ear for what I’d like to do to feed my soul and refill my cup I’ve been pouring from that’s honestly been empty for quite a few years.” And you know what he said? He said ok!
The week went so smooth! We got the house in order, we patched some holes in the walls, we bought a new mower, we went out to eat, we had a date night at a new venue in town, he played playstation, I watched shows and played with my sweet two year old, we sold some stuff we’ve been holding on to for far too long, we sprayed weeds, we just did whatever sounded good in the moment and it was so refreshing! I even took time to head over to a friends house for some coffee and a catch up! This time, doing what made me feel not only connected and grounded, but like I was taking care of my own damn business and not everyone else’s was absolutely refreshing! I hadn’t realized that after all the crap I went through before with work drama, in-law drama, husband drama, friend drama, having a child unexplainably sick, being unexplainably sick for two years myself, a child with a sleep delay, poor communication skills within my own family, mental health issues, necessary and emergent surgeries, and getting fired from a job I loved so unfairly had just absolutely drained my soul of anything good. Clearly I was sick from it all, I was physically ill from all the stress! I just really needed a break to relish in peace and today proved that I really freaking needed it!
When my kids got home from my parents, we had some hiccups, you know, because kids… but I was so much more at peace that tonight. For once this summer, my kids were all asleep by 9:30 pm. And trust me, while we have worked on getting our five year old to go to bed by a decent time and have been mostly successful, I was most successful this evening because my cup had been refilled. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t have everything done that I wanted to get done, but I was freaking happy about it! I didn’t care that I didn’t have it all done. I was happy that I was able to not have to rush through it all. It made me so damn happy! Tonight, it made me realize that I really can keep pushing through and I will. For at least a while I won’t be thinking, “I am not going to make it through this day,” or “how am I going to make it through this day?” And so for that, I can’t thank my parents enough for taking on the task of my three older children! And even though we had some melt downs this evening, I didn’t think for one second I wouldn’t make it through or that I don’t have time for another meltdown. I instead thought, “alright, it’s time for long term change, here we go!” And I kept to my promise of dealing with my children with nice first, then firm, then I have the right to yell. Maybe, just maybe I’ve gained enough patience to do this for another year.
The other area that sitting still has made me realize is that I’m not a terrible person after all. I’ve been more able to really work on myself with my therapist. We’ve tackled quite a few things. I have gained back more of my worth than I did when I was working. Don’t get me wrong, if I could have my job back when the company realizes that the boss lady isn’t all she’s cracked up to be (sounds to me like they already have and I’ll explain that in a sec) I would absolutely go back in a heart beat, but I wouldn’t take on the responsibility I had before. I’d go back to being low key so that I can still take time to think and do for myself. And through the therapy I have also relied heavily on my faith. I’ve prayed a heck of a lot more and though I couldn’t see it when it was happening, He was answering my prayers all along.
If you look back at my last post you’ll see that I met the boss lady’s boyfriend. The extent to which he sought out to tell me that I’m nothing as she had described, well, when I was leaning on my own understanding I was thinking too much into it. All it probably was was that he was realizing she’s not all she’s cracked up to be and maybe, just maybe her word(s) don’t mean a thing. The fact that he needed to tell me I seemed like a well rounded person, especially mother, well, I should have seen as more of a gift. But again, thinking only for myself lead me to anger and despair over losing the job all over again. I was like that for about a whole day and then I realized that maybe, just maybe karma is getting back to her, that maybe after all she tried to do to even convince myself that I’m a terrible, volatile, and hostile person is completely false. And then the best part came just last Friday.
I had missed a call from a number out of Minnesota. Of course, me being me thinking I forgot a credit card payment decided to look at my transcribed voicemail. It wasn’t anyone I was familiar with and it certainly wasn’t a credit card company. Instead, I see the words of my old company and I just thought, well why the heck are they calling me? I’ve been gone for five months! Boy was I ever surprised at the nature of the call! Wouldn’t you have it!? The first sentence out of her mouth was about high turnover rates in our town, in our school’s kitchen more specifically. I’m unsure if I mentioned her work history in a previous blog post to you all (could be considered slander because I didn’t actually know and had only heard through the grapevine so I may not have told you), but nonetheless, I’ll just say that her reputation is proceeding her because the rest of the call had everything to do with her and incidents that happened between her and other coworkers as well as myself. And one of the questions specifically had to do with making employees cry and often! I won’t lie, I about jumped out of my chair with joy at this question! However, I tried very hard not to show how oddly amused I was at this question and I equally tried to be fair with other questions regarding her. I don’t want to bash the poor lady, but I sure wanted it known that my experience with her was less than desirable and I swear I get a long with a multitude of people who have different personalities! Any way, it felt good to know that I certainly wasn’t crazy about her persona after all and that I even more so wasn’t the problem!
I will admit however, that during this sitting still thing it has also brought a lot to light about what is toxic about me, what traits I have that I have to work on. It’s more in the friend department. I really have come to the conclusion that I don’t handle issues with friends very well. I have also come to the conclusion that at this time, while my kids are still very young, my family is what needs my utmost attention so when it comes to friends, I’ll have to be honest and tell them that working on friendships at this time isn’t going to be a frequent thing from me as I don’t have the time to maintain in the way that most people would need. I can talk on the phone all I want or text all I want, but going places on the regular is just not something I can do. It will be sparing as my husband works some crazy hours, summer times we really just reserve for doing what makes us happy as a whole, and that if they are ok with it, I may just be that convenience friend for the time being. We have our whole lives to get to know each other, if they are willing to be patient with me. And I’ll get real here, most of the time the issues are that I can’t spend all of my spare time with friends. My husband needs a life too. My kids do as well and sometimes my day is just filled with running them places. I guess I just need to find friends who are supportive of goals such as that, friends who don’t always need to get together, but are satisfied with a quick phone call to catch up, friends who have the same family goals as I do. I’m done chasing the next trend. I’m done chasing vacations I’ll never have with all my best gal pals. I occasionally want a night, for just a few hours, to chat and maybe have a glass of wine with. I want us to get to together, kids and all, be it for a birthday party, a Christmas party, or a BBQ. I don’t want all of these things that make me look “grand” on Facebook. I want simplicity and respect for my values. I want this because when the respect for my indifferences with how I take care of my family are not valued, I don’t exactly fight fair. I have a tendency to hang on to examples of past behaviors and bring them up in defense to make a point, not intending to hurt, but truth be told, it always hurts them. Yes, this will change because not everyone can always be “in tune” with each other. I can’t hold expectations like that, but I can change how I react to it. If I am to find friends of the sorts that I just described then I absolutely know that I have to change that about myself.
So, if you can’t tell, a lot has actually happened since last I wrote. I didn’t think there was enough for a blog post, but there certainly was! And again, I’m thankful for it. I’m so very, simply and greatly thankful for the time off, the break from my older kids, and just being able to sit and focus on the area that needed it the most, myself!