It was a surprise to have a third daughter three years after being told I had secondary infertility thanks to an ectopic pregnancy back in 2010. It was even more of a surprise to have a forth daughter three years after the third one was born! Seriously though, we were still in shock from having the third one. We didn’t even think we would have more let alone were we even contemplating another one.
After my third daughter was born, PPD hit pretty hard. I bawled my eyes out just to leave her. I bawled my eyes out when I had to go back to work. I bawled my eyes out a lot after she was born. And honestly, the PPD I experienced with her was a bit harder to get out of too. I was able to get out of the slump eventually. It took effort but sometimes my husband would force me to have friends over or go elsewhere with friends. He would get me out of the house as often as possible on dates. When I got a taste of freedom, a taste of myself, and more opportunities to be able to escape a hectic life of three kiddos the PPD finally let up a couple of years later. Being stuck like that didn’t even make me think to be precautious and preventative in producing another child so when I found out I was pregnant with our forth, I’m not going to lie, I was pretty upset. My husband tried for quite some time to turn my frown upside down, but truth was, I already knew the amount of sacrifice it would take and I wasn’t ready for it again. I flat out didn’t want another kiddo. No turning back at that point, right? Duh!
I’m going to be real here, I seriously thought about adoption. I tried to convince my husband because I just knew the change it would do to my body and my mind. My mental health would decline only further, and whether or not I set myself up for that by already thinking it would, or whether my gut was simply right, it happened. Yes, I love babies. Yes, I love my children. I loved her from the first moment I met her and yes, the adoption notion changed as soon as I met her and my husband knew it would any way. He knows me pretty well to say the least. But it wasn’t easy accepting my own negligence of birth control. I didn’t regret keeping her by any means. She was like this tiny, little perfect baby who was sent to show me a new path. She really was perfect. She had the cutest cry, she slept through the night after about a month. She was calm despite the chaos the other kiddos brought. She certainly kept a lot of mental health at bay. But still, it was hard to accept the fact that I would have to sacrifice a lot of time for her. It was hard to accept my reality made by my choices.
Needless to say, I am so thankful we have her. She is a busy body, always keeping me on my toes. She makes the silliest facial expressions (there’s one for just about anything that she’s doing). She’s been talking so much more lately. She loves being outside! She let’s her presence be known, that’s for sure. She is the forth kiddo after all and when the other three are all pulling me in different directions and she’s not getting attention, she will let you know. I didn’t know I needed her but I’m so glad I took the time to get to know her. She lights up my life. Seeing the compassion she holds without realizing it give me great pleasure in knowing that when I am sad she will see it and come over and hug me so tight and brush my hair out of my face, pet my face, wipe my tears. She’s just a bundle of love I can’t live without. She is another chance at hope in this cruel world we live in.
And her name… I will have to explain that a little. We call her Lucy. It’s short for Lucille. Lucille is actually her middle name. Her first name is Victoria (after my mother), Victoria Lucille. Lucille is her paternal great grandmother’s middle name but we simply called her Lucille and not by her first name. The same went for my own grandmother. We call her Loreen instead of her first name. That was kind of the thing back then and we thought we would incorporate those times by using her middle name, shortened. I Love Lucy was also a popular tv show that both of our grandmothers enjoyed watching; hence, what we actually call her, Lucy.
Yes, our poor daughter will probably be quite confused. And yes, this new generation of children don’t always understand the value of traditions, so it probably won’t be a pretty popular story for her to tell. But neither my husband nor myself are superficial people when it comes to our children. Each of our children has a family name. Family, to us, is everything. With that being said, we can only hope our girls will at least appreciate the value and depth that came from their names!
I can’t wait to see what Lucy brings to the table as she grows. I can’t wait to see what path she will take and choices she will make. She already looks almost identical to her sister Saige. This is the part about growing children that I will never let go of: watching who they become with each phase of life. Lucy is only two right now. She’s been mischievous and sweet at the same time, and she’s certainly been in the tantrum phase. She’s grown out of being naïve to her surroundings; hence, my other post To You, the Mom. She’s realizing that she’s not in her environment and therefore does not want to go to sleep and is anxious and over stimulated by the time she can calm down and rest. As I’ve known with all of my other children, this too shall pass! It’s only a phase.