Here I am! Where are you!?
Life! It’s so beautiful, it’s so amazing, it’s so freaking messy it’s unreal sometimes! I am there, friend! I am there with ya and for ya, just not against ya! Let’s get this ball rolling by telling you a little bit about me:
I’ll get the nitty gritty out of the way, then you can decide for yourself if you’ll continue on this adventure with me, or if you’ll just leave it at this (I’m a bad news first kind of girl). I have always been a fairly “depressed” person. I struggle with it on the daily as well as with anxiety. It makes me feel extreme and often times I miscommunicate when I am midst these behaviors. Not all is perceived well during these times either but I try any way, because trying is better than not trying, right!? Sometimes I also come off as a know-it-all. I don’t pretend to know it all. I do like being informed and enlightened because I hate being wrong (yep! That’s my pride getting in the way right there!), but truthfully, I can stand to be wrong and I will admit it ten folds and probably apologize over and over until you’re annoyed. Sometimes I like to wallow in those dark days and may not say the best of things about myself. It can get annoying, yes. I annoy myself on these days. I have internal dialogues with myself that pep me up, tell me to stop, and then that “devilish” figure on my left shoulder tells me to punish myself even more. Believe me, that little devil has gotten the best of me at times and I’m sure you’ll see that soon enough. Any way, I can also be a bitch. I’m ok with that. The truth hurts me just as much as it will you and if you’re willing to bite your tongue and move on to find a new story or experience of mine that will make up for me previously pissing you off, then you are my kind of person. It takes a lot to swallow pride. I own that like you wouldn’t believe! I’ve had many hard pills to swallow and you will also see that! I can be childish sometimes! What!? Boy would my husband LOVE to hear that come out of my mouth!? WAIT! HE HAS (insert laugh emoji)!!! That’s right folks, sometimes people do the damnedest things that piss me off royally to the point I’m very (what’s a good word?) passionate with my words. It makes me seem childish, or petty. Can you say, “human nature?” Well, this is probably the worst of me these days (other than those lazy parenting days, or days where you yell at your kids for no good reason simply because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and can’t get your shit together, or those really, deep, dark days where suicide is contemplated despite your seemingly wonderful life – selfish, I know, get over it if you think I’m out for pity). Don’t like me, don’t like the worst of me? Move on. It’s easy, it’s simple, and it won’t hurt my feelings any because you’re not wrong for your own thoughts and/or feelings.
Now, the real stuff (sorry, I had to weed out the nay sayers), the good parts of who I am. I know without a doubt that I am a good mom. I sacrifice a lot about myself to make sure they are taken care of and behave like decent human beings out in the world. Currently, I get up at midnight to take my 5 year old potty so she doesn’t wet the bed (even though that still happens at times). She’s not a baby any more, why would I do that? Because she’s my daughter, my third born baby. She didn’t choose this life for herself, I chose to have her; therefore, I will do what is necessary to make sure she doesn’t lay in pee all night long (and yet sometimes it still happens despite the midnight potty sess). I go out of my way for my children. I am also a wonderful wife who has put up with her husbands shenanigans while he discovers fatherhood in its true form (patience and integrity people, he’s a great guy who came into my life when I came with the full package – he wasn’t eased into fatherhood by going through the first pregnancy blah blah, I came with a kid when we said “I do.”). He has a crazy work schedule that goes from nights to days and days to nights so he needs a lot of things done for him so we can a.) save some money, and b.) so he can adjust to his “time” accordingly. I respect him so much for having had the childhood he had and becoming the man he wishes to be. I am also a daughter to wonderful parents who are my inspiration for being married as long as they have!!! 47 years people!!!! 47 years!!!! I love my parents dearly and I am so blessed they are still alive and kickin’ it! They have taught me so much and they have supported every endeavor (even the bad ones) of mine (and no, not enabling, just those tough lessons, ya know?!). I don’t know where I’d be without them! I am a sister! She and I did NOT get along as kids. We were polar opposites without a doubt. But she is a big light in my life these days, an inspiration as well. She’s overcome many things in her life and I appreciate her and her wisdom. I am also a best friend to someone who, one hundred percent, understands me on a level no one could possibly fathom. She is my “soul” mate. She gets those dark days. She gets why I can’t communicate sometimes when my head is buried in a black cloud. She gets why I am the way I am. She listens. She advises. She is someone I will cherish forever! But I am also that hard working coworker who gets treated less-than and still goes out of my way to do extra because I’m just a little extra myself. I don’t want anything from it, just self gratification to know that I did everything I possibly could ethically. I am also that person who will stay up until 3am to Skype you because you live overseas. I am that person who apologizes even when I don’t have to because I don’t like being a burden to ANYONE. I will do anything within my power (so long as it does not affect my family) to help. I am a giver. It’s a blessing and a curse, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am also a person who cares deeply about what you are going through even though I may not know you. Why? Because I understand things in a ‘Pandora’s Box’ kind of way. I see things in so many different ways simply because I want to try and empathize in a way that is beneficial to the unique individual I am speaking or listening to. I want to feel it with you, not just “hear” it because I won’t truly understand where it is you’re coming from, and if there’s anything you should know about me, is that I am genuine (or strive to be), as genuine as I can be.
I’m still trying to find myself. I’m not all sunshine and rainbows (though to the outside world I sure try to pretend I am). I am cloudy days too. I’ve had some experiences that have turned my world upside down and have left me to pick up the pieces, alone. I’m still finding pieces. I have people in my life that still help me find pieces when I feel I can’t keep going. I will always be finding pieces because I feel that’s what everyone does until there’s no more pieces left to find and then we are dead. That’s life, death is inevitable. I really do hope you follow this story, this life of mine. I know there are so many other bloggers out there with their words of wisdom, ways of life that may help you too. It’s where I’ve, admittedly, found inspiration to begin my own (cliche! Yes, I know – insert eye roll).
If you’ve got a similar story you want out there, or something to share, write me!!!! Don’t want to submit it as you, but want me to share it?? I will, anonymously of course! Let’s walk this path together! Sharing is caring (not your germs people, your stories, your wisdom, your life)!!